Batgirl

B.O.D.

In the times of greatest troubles, there emerges one Canadian, who, with his trusty boom boom stick strides in to save the day.

Goober/ Justin 6, Readers/Field 4, BatCub/Torii 3, Sooz/Cuddy 2, Batgirl/Chairman 2, BabyDash/Bart 2, Jeb/LNP 1.

B.O.D.

Sometimes life is tough. Sometimes you're a highly touted prospect but every time you come up to the bigs you suck rocks. Plus you're haunted by an overemotional talking nut cup. But sometimes you get a second chance. And a third. And a fourth. And sometimes, on your fifth chance, you're brought up over prospects even more highly touted than you once were, and you feel like a total has been even though you look like you're eight years old and should be out collecting Avatar cards. But then—something crazy happens. You pitch like a guy who's never been chewed out by his own nut cup. You remind us why you were such a highly touted prospect in the first place, you give us hope for the post-Ponson era, and you receive the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/ Justin 5, Readers/Field 4, BatCub/Torii 3, Sooz/Cuddy 2, Batgirl/Chairman 2, BabyDash/Bart 2, Jeb/LNP 1.

B.O.D.

The Bartlett-aspect, that is. For scoring the winning run, you Jason Bartlett, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

B.O.D.

Oh, hell. Is this really going to happen? Really? Is it? I've been over the numbers, crunching them through my BODomatic again and again, which must be broken because I was expecting Mauer or Castillo or Tyner or Cuddy for the sommersault--but no. Because everyone, including the BODomatic knows the BODSHC likes a good story--like, say, washed-up, bloated, boozy, beached journeyman pitcher with maybe one last shot to stick with the team before Matt Garza comes up and makes the AL hitters sorry they were ever born tokes up to the plate and pitches a seven-inning, one run game, earning himself a couple more starts and--believe you me, these are not words I ever thought I'd type--you, Sir Sidney Ponson, have your very first Boyfriend of the Day.

Don't look at me like that.

Goober/ Justin 5, Sooz/Cuddy 2, Readers/Field 3, Batgirl/Chairman 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, BatCub/Torii 1, Jeb/LNP 1.

B.O.D.

Goober/ Justin 5, Sooz/Cuddy 2, Readers/Field 2, Batgirl/Chairman 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, BatCub/Torii 1, Jeb/LNP 1.

B.O.D.

*Ahem*
*Is this thing on?*
Hello, um, I'm the BODSHC. I'm not really clear how this thing works, but, well, we won today, and I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to do something about it. I'm so dazed by the actual, you know, winning that it's hard to focus on anything else, but with all due shoutouts to the pitching staff and NBP, I'm giving this one to the good doctor for getting the one out single that made you think that maybe it was all going to be okay again. That's what we needed--some reason to hope again--not to mention scoring the winning run, and that gives you, Doctor Morneau, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/ Justin 4, Sooz/Cuddy 2, Readers/Field 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 1, BatCub/Torii 1, Jeb/LNP 1.

B.O.D.

It looked rocky there for a bit. The easy victory disappeared over the fence with one long Raul Ibanez homer, and suddenly we were within one run of a very disheartening defeat. The Twins don't lrob Johan Santana of wins, not this year. But when Richie Sexson hit a ball that Cuddy lost in the sun (and who knew Seattle had sun, anyway?) and suddenly the tying run was in scoring position with Nathan off a string of rocky outings (Batgirl blames the newborn baby, but she might be projecting), it looked as if we might. And then Jose Guillen strode to the plate, and we needed Joe to remember who he is--not some regular Joe, some other closer, fallible, almost perfect but human--all too human. No, he is Automatic, the VP, the Nathanest of Joes, and he is here to strike you out and end this game and send us all home happy, for he is Joe Nathan and that is what he does.

And finally, he remembered. And with one pathetic flail of Jose Guillen's bat, Joe became the Nathanest again.And that's why you, Mr. Vice President, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/ Justin 3, Sooz/Cuddy 2, Readers/Field 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 1, BatCub/Torii 1, Jeb/LNP 0.

B.O.D.

Trouble. It starts with a T and that rhymes with B and that stands for bases loaded in the seventh—or at least it does in this tortured allusion that has nothing to do with anything except Batgirl's feeling a little Music Man-ish today. But the point is, there was trouble, right here in River City, or at least in Seattle--with the bases loaded and one out, and Carlos losing his Jackalness, but never fear because the Twins bullpen is on the case. A quick call to the pen, Shaggy Guerrier waltzes in, and—Goodnight ladies—threat over, inning over, Seventy-six trombones, yadda yadda—the whole point is—you may not have a win, but you, Shaggy Guerrier, have your very first Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/ Justin 3, Sooz/Cuddy 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 1, Readers/Field 1, BatCub/Torii 1, Jeb/LNP 0.

B.O.D.

Hey, gang. Here's a tip. From Batgirl, to you:

Don't walk Justin Morneau to get to Torii Hunter. You'll just make Torii angry. (And, also, the Boyfriend of the Day....)

Goober/ Justin 3, Sooz/Cuddy 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 1, BatCub/Torii 1, Jeb/LNP 0, Readers/Field 0.

Light blogging this week on account of the 10pm start time and how incredibly sleepy Batgirl is...

BOD

Inches and one bowl of Wheaties away from being Jason Tyner's tonight, but, alas, we shall have to look elsewhere. The Twins found their offense, and it's about time—and I know what you're saying, it's the Devil Rays, and the 5th starter, and it's basically like playing Jimmy Bob's t-ball team, except we all know there have been times the Twins couldn't hit off a t, much less the Devil Rays. But not tonight—tonight the offense came busting out all over. Hitters 4-5-6 combined for seven hits and seven RBIs, with a 3 for 4 performance by DJ Cuddles. But it wasn't just Cuddles's offense that stood out. In the 4th inning, BJ Upton hit what he thought was a triple to Mr. Cuddyer—who was once a shortstop, once a third baseman, who once had no home on the team—and Mr. Cuddyer hurled a laser shot to third so powerful that two innings later Akinori Iwamura was too damn scared to try to score on his arm. The fly was hit, Cuddles glared at Iwamura at third, the ball sailed toward home and he murmured, I'm a right fielder, bitch. And the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/ Justin 3, Sooz/Cuddy 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 1, BatCub/Torii 0, Jeb/LNP 0, Readers/Field 0.

BOD

Goober/ Justin 3, BabyDash/Bart 1, Sooz/Cuddy 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 1, BatCub/Torii 0, Jeb/LNP 0, Readers/Field 0.

B.O.D.

Really this thing should go to LNP for blowing the bunt in the eighth and inspiring the Twins' offense to rally on his behalf. It's so typical of this team--for days they didn't bother to score any runs for themselves because that would be greedy, but when they need to pick up a teammate, well, hello boom boom room! This is a tough call tonight, and Ramon Ortiz deserves at least--in the words of Batling Scott--the comeback player of the second week of April award, not to mention a big smooch from TR. But rules is rules, and there were four Team Batgirl Boyfriends who rallied to Punto's aid, and this one goes to the Chairman, for hitting in the first post-Easter go ahead run. That's the way you do it, guys--see, it wasn't so hard--and it gives Chairman Mauer the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/ Justin 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, Sooz/Cuddy 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 1, BatCub/Torii 0, Jeb/LNP 0, Readers/Field 0.

B.O.D.

First off, Batgirl has spent at least 75% of the content of this blog bitching about the Bitch Sox TV announcers, and it is certainly true that her hell will feature them running on a continuous loop, and they are largely the cause of her enmity toward the fair team on the south side, so therefore she must take this opportunity to say she's listened to their radio announcers the last two days and they are quite good—knowledgeable, respectful, and, despite a lengthy conversation about closet organization, interesting. They also spent a good deal of time on sartorial issues, and it sounds as if most players survived these two games by dressing roughly like the little kid in The Christmas Story, which might explain the Twins offensive production, as well as Cuddy's giant brain freeze on the basepaths on Sat.

LNP suits up.

Not Justin Morneau, though. The stalwart Canadian wore nothing but a moose-hide thong for the weekend's tilt, and, when confronted with a fat rookie pitch with two on on Sunday, he shouted, "I've never felt so alive," except he shouted in French, because that's just how Canadian he was feeling, and the next thing you know, well, the rookie said merde, the Twins were up 3-0, and pretty soon Morneau was throwing his thong into the stands. And that makes you, Dr. Morneau, the
Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/ Justin 2, BabyDash/Bart 1, Sooz/Cuddy 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 0, BatCub/Torii 0, Jeb/LNP 0, Readers/Field 0.

B.O.D.

Tempting to give this to the Orioles pitching, or at least the strike zone tonight, but of course the BOD is Boyfriend of the Day not Theoretical Concept of the Day—which applies both to the strike zone and the pitching, apparently. No matter, the Twins are well on their way to the inevitable 162 win season, thanks to some patience at the plate (And I do mean some Sweetcheeks), especially by Little Nicky Punto who curled up into the tiniest ball possible to walk in the first and third inning. Punto set the plate for Mr. Michael Cuddles, clean-up hitter extraordinare, who hit the little midget in both times accounting for the first run and what would be the winning run, then seriously messed up his dimples by taking one on the chin—and that makes you, DJ Cuddles, the Boyfriend of the Day. Now, go put some ice on that.

Goober/ Justin 1, BabyDash/Bart 1, Sooz/Cuddy 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 0, BatCub/Torii 0, Jeb/LNP 0, Readers/Field 0.

B.O.D.

Sometimes all it takes is a little motivation. After an 0-fer on opening day, Jason Bartlett was feeling a little glum. It didn't help when he booted a ball early in tonight's game for the first error of the year for the Twins. In fact, it looked like it was going to be a downer of a year for Bartlett, until just before the seventh inning, Steve Liddle put his arm around him and congratulated him.
"For what?"
"You're Baby Dash's boyfriend!"
"I am?"
"Yeah! You must be so flattered. That is one adorable baby!"
Well, that was enough for J. Bart, and when he came up in the seventh with a tie game and Jason Tyner in scoring position, he knew what he had to do. "For BabyDash!" he cried as he doinked the ball to left. The ball dropped, BabyDash cheered, and Jason Bartlett got the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/ Justin 1, BabyDash/Bart 1, Batgirl/ Chairman 0, BatCub/Torii 0, Jeb/LNP 0, Sooz/Cuddy 0, Readers/Field 0.

B.O.D.

BD :Mother, says BabyDash. What is a Boyfriend?
BG: Well, says I. A Boyfriend is that special player that makes your heart go pitter pat. BabyDash, who is your Boyfriend?
BD: I do not know, says BabyDash. There are so many players to love. My heart fills at the thought of each and every one of them, from the biggest Canadian to the Littlest Punto, from the Chairmanist of Mauers to the Nathanest of Joes, my love spans the circumference of a Sidney Ponson and Dennys Sampler Reyes hug.
BG: That is a lot of love, says I. How about Johan Santana, says I. If Johan Santana were your boyfriend, surely you would kick Uncle Goober's ass.
BD: No, says BabyDash. Johan Santana is like the sun, the stars, the bright blessed day, the dark sacred night. Johan Santana belongs to all of us.
BG: Your wisdom astounds me, BabyDash, as well as your ability to quote Louis Armstrong songs.
BD: That's Lou-IS, mother.
BG: Yes, BabyDash, but, who is your Boyfriend?
BD: When I think of a Boyfriend, I think of someone like me, someone small and scrappy, someone who needs a little extra love, someone who was premature (ly sent down to Triple A), someone like Jason Bartlett. Yes, I think Jason Bartlett is a fine boyfriend. Further I have been speaking to Father, who chooses Little Nicky Punto this year, and with the BatBaby who is no longer a Baby and chooses to be known as the BatCub, and I have been speaking with Uncle Goober and he said his Boyfriend is the best Boyfriend in the whole world, and he said he is going to kick our asses again this year and he says if we're sad at night we can just snuggle our boyfriend's MVP awards, and then he said, Oh, right, your Boyfriend doesn't have an MVP award, and then he said, In your face!, and then further he said that his Boyfriend had two RBIs with a homer and also knocked the crap out of a guy, hockey style, and he said that should make Justin Morneau the Boyfriend of the Day. And Mother, I agree.
BG: Then so it shall be.

Goober/ Justin 1, BabyDash/Bart 0, Batgirl/ Chairman 0, BatCub/Torii 0, Jeb/LNP 0, Sooz/Cuddy 0, Readers/Field 0.

B.O.D.

You know what? You all get it. Every damned one of you, Minnesota Twins, from the history-making MLB's best hitter to the once worst DH in history who became clutch again when the team needed it , from the chubby cheeked clean-up hitter to the sweetcheeked outfielder who lost his form and then found it again, from the Cy Young award winner to sinker-ball pitcher who showed up today to deal to the one-armed man, from the twitchiest reliever to the freakiest, from the biggest Canadian to the littlest Punto, you're all the hell the boyfriends of the day.

B.O.D.

This is totally against protocol. But you know what? There's no protocol anymore, there's just a pennant race and the postseason next week and an emotional game, and, ah hell. The point is, you, Brad Radke, and you, Joseph Patrick Mauer, are the co-Boyfriends of the Day.

Readers/The Field 27; Goober/Doctor 25; BatBabii/Torii 16; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batgirl/Chairman 9; Jeb/Lewwww 5.

B.O.D.

Dear Gwynn, I don't know. I need oxygen. Does anyone have any oxygen? This should probably go to the President, or the VP or Li'l Rod, but you know Batgirl's apoplectic right now and the sight of Lew Ford chugging around the bases just made Batgirl so very, very happy, and frankly Batgirl doesn’t know how many more times she's going to get to do this, so for the dinger putting the Twins on the board and ensuring we won't get shut out by the Royals, not to mention some mad hustle later in the game, and for bringing so much joy into Batgirl's life with all that crazy voodoo you do…

…you, Lew Fordwalker, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 26; Goober/Doctor 25; BatBabii/Torii 16; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batgirl/Chairman 8; Jeb/Lewwww 5.

B.O.D.

You just knew it was going to happen tonight. You knew it from his first at bat, when Sweetcheeks stepped in and within about three seconds had fouled two balls into the left field foul seats. You thought maybe it would be after he made that great catch in the second then stepped up to the plate right afterwards, but no, we had to wait a little longer. It was worth it. When the ball hit the bat you knew it was gone, and Batgirl, for one, wept. After breaking at the All-Star-Break and looking broken down afterwards, Torii hit his 30th home run in the game where the Twins clinched a playoff appearance, in this most improbable of improbable years. Do I hear 100 RBIs? I know I hear a Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 26; Goober/Doctor 25; BatBabii/Torii 16; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batgirl/Chairman 8; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Ahhh, it's been some time since Batgirl's gotten to do this. Propers to Phil Nevin for his first Twins homer, Pat Neshek for some very timely out-getting, and Macho Matt Garza for another solid start, but:

3 for 5 with a dinger and that awesome throwout to end the seventh? The Chairman serves the people, and how!

Readers/The Field 26; Goober/Doctor 25; BatBabii/Torii 15; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batgirl/Chairman 8; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Oh, my goodness. There was nothing pretty about this, my friends, but nonetheless we cannot escape two very important facts: 1) we won and 2) we scored runs. This is rather important for the remaining week of the season because, for god's sakes... Now, Batgirl's tired of obsessing over whether we play the Yankees in a 5 game series or a 7 game series, because we are giving them too much power, because there's nothing to fear but fear itself, so let's forget about the Yankees and get this thing done. Batgirl's playing for the division, dammit, and also for momentum—there are times we pitch and hit and field and it's all gorgeous, and times when we play like a bunch of ass-monkeys. And assuming we do make it, she does not want to go into the postseason playing like ass-monkeys.

Well, actually, there were a few pretty things about tonight's game. I mean, Johan Santana was sitting on the bench! And Rondell White went 4-4, which as you may have noticed, is four more hits than he got before the All-Star Break this year. And Shaggy's FIRST MAJOR LEAGUE WIN--whoever thought that would happen? And Joe Nathan getting it done the way he always does. And then there was Torii Hunter's laying out catch off a sure RBI-double for Miggy, saving the game and Sideshow Pat's psyche. And earlier there was Torii's dinger, breaking the tie, showing the Twins they could score on something besides a poorly fielded strikeout, and the other robbing-Miggy-of-a-double-in-the-ninth, making him 3 for 5 on the day with 2 runs, two RBIs, and two potentially game-saving plays, making him the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 26; Goober/Doctor 25; BatBabii/Torii 15; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

With all due apologies to Batgirl's beloved husband, who is strongly pressing for Lewwwww based on his, um, critical RBI that upped the lead from 5 to 6, well:

That's some sweet cheeks on that Sweetcheeks. Wasn't he just writhing all over the ground and hobbling on the field yesterday? Hmm, must have dreamt that. Do I hear 30 homers? I know I hear a Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 26; Goober/Doctor 25; BatBaby/Torii 14; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Okay, it turns out it takes about 2.5 hours to get to Fenway from here, including waiting for ten minutes at the little toll plaza, and about an hour and 45 minutes to get home, and about three extremely wet hours to watch the Twins move within a half of a game of first place. During those three hours, one might see many things, like Jason Bartlett's second very timely three run home run of the season, Torii Hunter getting his revenge on Fenway by sending one over the Green Monster, and, best of all, Justin "Doctor" Morneau going 5 for 5 with two runs, two doubles, and a RBI, and as the BODSHC once proclaimed, you go 5 for 5, you pretty much get to be the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 26; Goober/Doctor 25; BatBaby/Torii 13; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

See, this is what I'm talking about. Hitting. With runners on base. Capitalizing on opportunities. Not making Batgirl scream at the tee vee. Batgirl has to watch that sort of thing, she's in a townhouse now and there are youths next door, very young youths, whose parents may not appreciate Batgirl screaming things like, "#@$@#@$# %$#^%$^#% $^&^&%&^*$ you $%^$%^#%$^&." It's very trying.

The point is, opportunities. Conversions. Actual real live hits with RISP. With two outs! With the bases loaded! Scoring two runs, putting the Twins in the lead from which they never looked back. And that's why you, Torii Hunter, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 26; Goober/Doctor 24; BatBaby/Torii 13; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Welcome back, Jackal. Nice to see you again.

Readers/The Field 26; Goober/Doctor 24; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batbaby/Torii 12; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

A pennant race? One back of the Tigers? 4 RBIs, a dinger, and a double on the night, and a
Boyfriend of the Day. Damn straight, Sweetcheeks lives for this.

Readers/The Field 25; Goober/Doctor 24; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batbaby/Torii 12; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Batgirl was on a plane for much of tonight's game, so she will rely on you, her darlings, to fill her in on the salient details. All she knows is she called BatMom and Dad as soon as she got off and heard lots of whooping. Something about Justin Morneau and a two run double to give the Twins the lead for the first time that night. The Good Doctor was 3 for 4, raising his average to .324, and gave the Twins the victory, adding to his MVP case, and making him the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 25; Goober/Doctor 24; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batbaby/Torii 11; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Start with a large mixing bowl and fill with a homer to left with Joe Mauer on base to put the Twins on the board, add a dash of RBI.

Add a heaping spoonful of double down the third base line in the eighth; while stirring, score Bartlett and Punto.

Finally, sprinkle with dimples and pour into a cake pan.

Cook at 375 for 15 minutes and you have the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 25; Goober/Doctor 23; Sooz/(Cuddy) 12; Batbaby/Torii 11; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

What is this I spy before me? I cannot quite tell, I don't want to be too presumptuous, but if if looks like a reliable starter, smells like a reliable starter, and quacks like a reliable starter, then it, ladies and gentlemen and yankee fans, is Boof "John" Bonser, who held the Ligers to one run today, pitched himself out of some seriously tight jams with the grace and aplomb of someone not named after a vomiting noise, and put the Minnesota Twins three games out of first place. And that gives you, Boof Bonser, your very first Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 25; Goober/Doctor 23; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Batgirl: So, who should be BOD?
Jeb: It's going to take some studying. There was so much offense.
Batgirl: (long silence) .....huh? So much....what?

Is this it? Has the AJ Juju lifted? Did something happen with two outs in the fifth, something mystical and magical, some wave of a magic wand orsome running out of the Dome turning around three times and spitting or some sort of group exorcism? And if so, why in the @!#!@#! hell didn't they do it last week?

Well, it doesn't matter. Tonight featured all sorts of delicious things like two out hitting and actual run production from our DH and M&M boys hotness. The Chairman pumped up his batting average nicely (take that Jeter, you pansy ass) and the Doctor had three beautiful RBIs, including a two out double that tied the game and showed the Twins they could actually score runs--and that, I believe, is the sort of thing an MVP does. Not to mention the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 24; Goober/Doctor 23; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

We should be rewarding offensive excellence here, because Gwynn knows we need to encourage all of that we can get, but, um, hello. Johan es en fuego. 8 innings, 12 strikeouts, 2 hits, no runs, one big Cy Young case, and one more
Boyfriend of the Day. Thank you, Mr. President.

Readers/The Field 24; Goober/Doctor 22; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

All Batgirl wants is some offense. Is that really too much to ask? And by offense, I don't mean--oh, this guy gets a hit and that guy walks and then this guy hits into a double play. I know there's some confusion on this matter, but that's an o-FENSE, not OFF-ense. Sort of like MOR-neau vs. Mor-NEAU, in that one involves a lot more homers. And, what with all the rampant-double-play-hitting-into, what we needed, it seemed was a homer. Preferably with someone on base because we can't do that scoring thing twice in one game, apparently. And so, while his Boofness deserves lots of huzzahs and hosannahs, this BOD is going to one Mr. Rondell White, for reminding the Twins that scoring wins games. Let's hope they remember tomorrow. And that's why you, Rondell White, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field 23; Goober/Doctor 22; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Ahhhhh.

With all love to Scootie, who pitched five very good innings and helped soothe the souls of anxiety-laden Twins fans everywhere, not to mention Sweetcheeks who took out his bum ankle frustrations on the baseball, this one goes to the good Doctor--who saw our offensive pain, wrote out a prescription, and hit that prescription all the way the hell out of the ballpark to give the Twins breathing room, not to mention got some serious payback, (which is, I'm told, a bitch) and that's why you, Mrneau, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 22; Readers/The Field 22; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

"Where is the fire?"

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 22; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

You want to bring us down? You want to mess with us? Really? You can't. Oh, you can try—you can sure as hell try, what with your relentless "coming back" and your big-hitting Jermaine Dyes. Sure, we can get down, but we're not out—no, no. We're never out. We've got these guys, you see, they call 'em piranhtas, and they might be little, and they might have broken parts, and they might make choo choo noises when they run, but they're going to get you, you see, they're going to get you in the end. They're going to make great plays, they're going to run like hell, and they're going to get hits when they're needed, they're going to smell those RBIs and damn they smell tasty. And you know what else? Things might get a little tense here and there. The whole bullpen might fall apart around us. And then they might call this kid in with the bases loaded and a 2-0 count, and on deck is this guy who hit the ball 700 feet against him the day before, and he gets out of it with the lead in tact. And you know what else? Then you’re the 13th man in a twelve man bullpen and you’re the only guy left who can pitch and the game is all in your hands and everyone is scared pantless and you know what? You do it. You get in there and you say, "No one knows who I am but I wear my socks the right way and tonight these bitches are mine." And that's why you, Little Nicky Punto and the Piranhtas, and you Sideshow Pat, and YOU, Will E. Eyre, are the co-Boyfriends of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 21; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Holy Moses. All right. First off, Batgirl's totally spent. Secondly, um, yay. Things didn't look so good when the Twins were down 3-0, and even worse when Bradke started the third inning on the bench. But we are the Minnesota Twins, we are proud and noble and strong, and we scoff at adversity, and WE KICK ASS. So many people worthy of mention tonight—from Shaggy "I Will Never Get a Win" Guerrier to Jesse "AJ JUST GET THE FRACK OUT ALREADY" Crain to Little Nicky Punto, who rode his magic unicorn all the way over the right field fence for his first homerun of the year, to Jason Bartlett for the game-winning RBI, to Lew Ford for going wee wee wee all the way home (and then some), to Joe Nathan for doing that voodoo that he do so well, to the genius Bitch Sox fan that interfered with Justin Morneau for the last out of the game, but Batgirl's going to give this one to Sweetcheeks for barreling into Jamie Burke for cranking that gorgeous three-run jack to put the Twins up, not to mention leading off the ninth with a hit, and all of that makes you, Sweetcheeks, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 20; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 11; Batgirl/Chairman 8; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Okay, you could just about flip a coin here, because the 3 and 4 hitters were nothing but boyfriend on boyfriend hotness--not, this time, a Cuddyer sandwich on hot buttery slices of JM, but two thick, sweet, layers of 3 and 4 cake frosted gently by a Justin Morneau Boom Boom stick--but after much agony and deliberation Batgirl is giving this to the Chairman, simply because the early runs were more critical, not to mention his role in taming the Boof. So:

Picture courtesy of Eric
The Chairman serves the people, goes 3 for 4 with 4 RBIs, and earns himself the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 20; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 8; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

First off, a huge BODSHC shout out to young Master Matt Garza for his first major league win, a quality start, and giving us all reason to breathe again. But the BOD is not to be his, yet—BG doesn't want to give him too much in one night. And his line was helped tremendously by some truly tenacious D, including a whopper of a catch by our erstwhile third baseperson. And the glove work was merely the cherry on top of a delicious offensive powerhouse sundae. Quietly, Cuddy is moving ever-closer to 100 RBIs for the season, and Batgirl, for one, thinks that would be mad hot. He's a streaky cat, that DJ Cuddles, and if he chooses to streak us all the way to the playoffs that's just fine with Batgirl. Three for five, two doubles, two RBIs, and one beautiful catch—that makes you, DJ Cuddles, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 20; Sooz/(Cuddy) 11; Batbaby/Torii 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Phew.
It's not that you expected we were going to lose this one—it's Johan Santana at the Dome, after all. But, you know. There was the fear. And maybe even some cold sweats. And when the Bitch Sox struck first in the third, Batgirl wanted runs and she wanted them NOW. Like four. Four runs would be good. And if you could add another one later, that would be really awesome, because Boo hasn't really pitched in a few days and it's possible he could let in a run or two—I mean not likely, of course, but possible. And so for batting in runs 3 and 5 and reminding everyone why you bat clean-up, you, Michael B. Cuddyer, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Picture courtesy of Will.

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 20; Batbaby/Torii 10; Sooz/(Cuddy) 10; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Ahhhh....that was fun. And Boof! Hey, Boof! That was cool. And after a potential return to ass-battitude, oooh, the bats! The Doctor was mad hott tonight, after hitting a lot of balls 407 feet yesterday he discovered the wonders of singles, and Little Nicky Punto showed some Punton power, but Batgirl's going to give this to Sweetcheeks, because gave us a lead from which we never looked back, because he looks like his feet are about to fall off, because we need him to get hot again, plus she misses the BatBaby a good deal, and that makes you, Torii Hunter, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 20; Batbaby/Torii 10; Sooz/(Cuddy) 9; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

Lots of contenders tonight, from Carlos "Sink it Like" Silva* to Li'l-Rod, to Bartman for the leather, the bat, and one kick ass bunt, to the Chairman for his two RBIs, but Batgirl does so love the idea of a solid number four filling in between our hearty, buttery, steaming slices of JM-ness, and she also likes it that Cuddy is apparently still pissed about the walk yesterday, plus she forgot to mention his awesome throw yesterday, and that BOOM! tonight crushed the Tribe's little spirits--and that makes you, DJ Cuddles, for the second day in a row--the Boyfriend of the Day.

Picture courtesy of Will.

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 20; Batbaby/Torii 9; Sooz/(Cuddy) 9; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

*Phrase courtesy of the Juan "Smiling Assassin" Rincon Fan Club.

B.O.D.

With all due props to El Presidente—who showed us tonight why is he so universally beloved by the whole electorate, and who followed Mr. Brad Radke's statement-making performance with one of his own, and the gods know we need it—what we also needed after weekend of ass-battery of epic proportions was some clutch hitting. Which means, essentially, that when a guy is on base in front of you, you don't hit into a double play. Crazy, I know. The Twins had a few chances to pad their lead tonight, and just couldn't convert—and it looked as if the Twins might blow another chance in the eighth. And then Jake Westrbook intentionally walked Joe Mauer to get to Michael Cuddyer, which really just makes him angry. Cuddy laced the pitch to left, got two runs of padding that turned out to be quite essential, and earned himself the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 21; Readers/The Field 20; Batbaby/Torii 9; Sooz/(Cuddy) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/Lewwww 4.

B.O.D.

This was a tough decision until Jason Bartlett laced his fifth hit of the night. The two of the three Jason aspects that played went 9 for 10 this afternoon, and Bart was nothing but kickass, going 5 for 5 with two runs and two RBIs. It's been said before, but I've got your fire in the belly right here. And that's why you, Jason Bartlett, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 20; Readers/The Field 18; Batbaby/Torii 9; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Sooz/(Cuddy) 7; Jeb/ (Silva) 4.

BatNote: Want to know how Joe Mauer got his sideburns? Batling Beth has the answer...in LegoVision!

Batgirl's offline for a few days. Goober will be BODSHC, and, as such, is always right.

B.O.D.

We can (and apparently do) hit all the damned runs we want, but it's not going to mean anything without some pitching. The Lefties of Doom can only do so much, the Elder Statesman is doing is best, but it's time for Mr. Carlos Silva to step up. And you know what? Two starts in a row, he's stepped up. He was helped by some flashy defense and more run support than he had all of last year, plus--you know--the Royals--but the point is the results. For presiding over your second straight blowout, and for pitching a near flawless game until it was well in hand, and because we need you to keep it up--this is why you, Carlos Silva, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 20; Readers/The Field 17; Batbaby/Torii 9; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Sooz/(Cuddy) 7; Jeb/ (Silva) 4.

B.O.D.

Oh, man. This was not a game you wanted to lose. The Twins left roughly 847 players on base, and each time you thought--next time. Next time we'll take the lead. And then someone (I'm looking at you Jason Tyner) hit the first pitch into a double play and you'd think--next time. Please? Anyone? And then Jesse Crain gave up another run in the eighth and it appeared there was not going to be a next time. And then Joe Mauer--who had blown a chance with bases loaded earlier-- sauntered up in the ninth and BOOM! Great, wow, it would have been really nice if Crain hadn't given up that run, now we're still down a run and it's the ninth inning and, oh, hello, Michael Cuddyer, how--

That sound you heard was everyone is Kauffman's stadium's neck snapping as they watched Cuddy's homer go out. That tied the game, set up the Twins win, and gave, you, Michael Cuddyer, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 20; Readers/The Field 17; Batbaby/Torii 9; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Sooz/(Cuddy) 7; Jeb/ (Silva) 3.

B.O.D.

EDIT: Pulled from the comments:
Costello: Are you the manager?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Neau.
Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
Abbott: Neau.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Neau.
Costello: You don’t want to tell me?
Abbott: I am telling you. Neau!
Costello: For the last time, what’s the name of the first baseman?
Abbott: Neau. What’s on second.
Costello: I don’t know.
Abbott: Third base!
Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
Abbott: Neau’s the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: No, it’s Neau’s name.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: That's who?
Abbott: No, that’s Neau.
--Twayn

Goober/Doctor 20; Readers/The Field 17; Batbaby/Torii 9; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Sooz/(Cuddy) 6; Jeb/ (Silva) 3.

B.O.D.

Welcome back, Sweetcheeks….

Goober/Doctor 19; Readers/The Field 17; Batbaby/Torii 9; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Sooz/(Cuddy) 5; Jeb/ (Silva) 3.

B.O.D.

Sometimes you have a bad weekend. Sometimes you manage to futz out at every possible scoring chance. Sometimes you’re the winning run and you strike out to end the game. And then, sometimes, you have a chance to redeem yourself. Your team scores 4 runs in one inning, but they could sure use some insurance and you step up with two outs and two on, and you lace a hit through the gap and end up with a very hott triple, which, after a demoralizing two games, ends the series on a high and earns you, Michael Cuddyer, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor 19; Readers/The Field 17; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Sooz/(Cuddy) 6; Jeb/ (Silva) 3.

B.O.D.

Bamm! Bamm!
Picture courtesy of Will

Goober/Doctor 19; Readers/The Field 17; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Sooz/(Cuddy) 5; Jeb/ (Silva) 3.

B.O.D.

I got your leadership right here.

Goober/Doctor: 18; Readers/The Field: 17; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/ (Silva) 3; Sooz/(Cuddy) 5.

B.O.D.

You know, it was really too bad when Jason Tyner was called out at home in the seventh. It was a bad call, of course, and potentially so costly—a one run lead isn't exactly a comfortable one with Mr. Thome skulking around with that giant boom boom stick of his (not to mention BRIAN ANDERSON). And then Joe Mauer strode up with two outs and runners on first and third, and, oh Joe, it would be oh-so-nice if you might get a single here and get us one of those fancy dan insurance runs, wouldn't it be—

Oh.

Boom!

Or, as Twins Geek emailed to Batgirl:

HOW ABOUT THAT??!!?? THE CHAIRMAN AND PEOPLE OVERCOME THE INJUSTICE PERPETUATED BY THE UMPIRIAL INTERLOPERS!

Indeed. And that three run homer (the first homer off a lefty in 287 at bats) and timely display of awesomeness makes you, Chairman Mauer, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 18; Readers/The Field: 16; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 7; Jeb/ (Silva) 3; Sooz/(Cuddy) 5.

B.O.D.

Sometimes, all it takes is one hit. Like, say, when the bases are loaded and there are two outs and the Twins have just managed to score one run—and it’s the Kid pitching, so one run is going to be enough, right? Well, almost surely, but it would sure be fun to get another one—maybe two?

Picture courtesy of Andy in Wrigleyville.

Yes. Yes it would. We needed this one, needed to win this road series, head to Chicago with a new winning streak started, and for that to happen we needed Dr. Morneau to be the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 18; Readers/The Field: 16; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ (Silva) 3; Sooz/(Cuddy) 5.

B.O.D.

We thought that this would be a mighty struggle--Captain Cheeseburger against the Jackal, wicked versus righteous, mano-a-mano in the World Series of good an evil. But it turned out that the true struggle would be between rivals for the coveted BOD. The Chairman got three hits and two RBIs and the Doctor got two hits and crossed the plate four times; but the true contest was between the blazing hot Rondell and Cuddles, each with four RBIs. If Rondell had won the heart of a member of Team Batgirl he'd be walking away with this one simply because his resurgence is such a joy and he nearly cranked out another homer to left field; but as it stands, Cuddy is Sooz's stalwart champion...and tonight's Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 17; Readers/The Field: 16; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ (Silva) 3; Sooz/(Cuddy) 5.

B.O.D.

Who shook off a slight slump, batted in two runs today, and has dimples to die for?

No (though she did have great plate discipline).

Michael Cuddyer, you are today’s Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 17; Readers/The Field: 16; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ (Silva) 3; Sooz/(Cuddy) 4.

B.O.D.

Everyone knows that the BODSHC is a sentimentalist. Give her a player down on his luck who comes through in the clutch and she's likely to give him the most coveted fake award in all of Twins bloggerdom. Like Sunday, when Mr. Down-On-His-Luck himself steps up and hits his first home run of the season and you could feel the joy reverberate through Twins Territory. And then yesterday he goes 2-3 with a walk and today he manages two home runs, going 3-4 with 2 RBIs and earning a standing O from the crowd—not to mention Batgirl and the Batkitties Three. And it's just so damned beautiful to watch, because we've been waiting for this, and we gave up, and we gave up a few more times, too, and then there was hope, and then more giving up, and then, well—BAM! BAM! BAM! Keep it up, Comeback Kid, and maybe you'll get more Boyfriends of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 17; Readers/The Field: 16; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ (Silva) 3; Sooz/(Cuddy) 3.

B.O.D.

All your bitches are belong to us.

Goober/Doctor: 17; Readers/The Field: 15; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ (Silva) 3; Sooz/(Cuddy) 3.

B.O.D./Mega-Boyfriend Crisis

Batgirl very much appreciates everyone's thoughts and wisdom during this difficult time. THREE Team Batgirl Boyfriends on the DL? What's a (Bat) Girl to do? Well, given the drastic nature of the situation, we've taken the most unusual step of TEMPORARY BOYFRIENDS. Yes, it's a big Team Batgirl/Twins key party. Please note: The Temporary Boyfriends are only good until the Original Boyfriend comes off the DL. Should someone then wish to stay with his/her temporary boyfriend permanently, all points accumulated by his/her former boyfriend go to the Field.

And the lucky players are:

BatBaby: Kubel
Jeb: Silva
Sooz: Cuddy

None of that, of course, mattered today.

picture courtesy of Eric

Goober/Doctor: 17; Readers/The Field: 14; Batbaby/(Kubes) 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ (Silva) 3; Sooz/(Cuddy) 3.

Due to intense BatSleepiness, the Return of Nutty will have to wait 'til another start. But Nutty is here with us in our hearts, always

B.O.D.

When Rondell White left to get his shoulder loosened (Batgirl imagines the doctor taking a screwdriver, muttering 'Righty tighty lefty loosey' and turning) it seemed there was a chance the source of his sheer crapitude had been found. But then he didn't exactly tear up his rehab assignment, and BG wondered if he was even going to make it back with the team, but injury to the entire outfield rendered that question moot. In White's first appearance today, he grounded out. In his second, that-guy-who's-not-Coco-Crisp lost the ball in the lights and White had a gift double, then on Jason Tyner's hit he chugged home so fast he scared the ball right out of Victor Martinez's hands. Then, in the third, he pulled the crap out of a ball that ended up landing foul somewhere between Juan Rincon and Rick Stelmazeck in the Twins bullpen and the guy behind Batgirl said, "That's the best swing he's had all year." It quickly became the second best as Rondell launched the ball over the left field seats, giving him his long-awaited first home run of the year. And it was a beautiful sight. This, Rondell White, is the Boyfriend of the Day. Do you like it? Isn't it fun? Want more? I thought you did.

Goober/Doctor: 16; Readers/The Field: 14; Batbaby/Torii: 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 3.

Readers, help BG. There are three Team Batgirl boyfriends on the DL. What the heck do we do with this?

B.O.D.

Batgirl is no fan of Captain Cheeseburger Sabathia. You know why? Throwing at people isn't nice. You end up doing things like ruining their entire season, and then they get pneumonia and appendicitis and the plague and it's pretty much all your fault, and then the guy isn't the same for, like, two years. He also goes something like 0-12 against you because you're a big fat meanie and he's a nice little Canadian boy, and they might talk tough with their hockey and stuff, but inside they are just big ol' pudding pops and terrified of psychotic people. But, you know what? That nice little Canadian boy? He's found his form again and he's not scared of you any more. And tonight he went 3-4 against you, including an infield base hit, which is kind of hysterical because he can't run that much faster than you. And then when the score is 4-2 in the 8th, he gets up and hits the ball a jillion moose antlers. And it didn't help win the game or anything, but watching CC do the ol' home run swivel was so much fun, and then he threw a huge tantrum about there being a hole in the mound (ahem) and it just made Batgirl so very very happy, really, so very, very happy, and that's why you, Dr. Morneau, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

(A big BOD shout out to LNP for textbook baserunning and serious Tiny Super Hero hustle. And to the Twins trainer, who is going to be extremely busy.)

Goober/Doctor: 16; Readers/The Field: 13; Batbaby/Torii: 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 3.

B.O.D.

The Twins are going through outfielders like they used to go through utility infielders, but the thing is, when we call these guys up, they're just awesome. Keep breakin' em, Batgirl says, because apparently there's just another one waiting in the wings to show the other guys how it's done. Like tonight. It didn't seem like anyone could convert with RISP--except for a fresh-faced call-up that just rolled off the bus. Jason Tyner bookended the scoring with clutch two-out singles in the second and the tenth, resulting in 2/3rds of the Twins runs for the day and giving you, Jason Tyner, your very first Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 15; Readers/The Field: 13; Batbaby/Torii: 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 3.

B.O.D.

Why is this BatBaby smiling?

Because her boyfriend broke up a scoreless game, that's why. And because BatBabies dig the long ball. And because that losing streak was getting way old. And it's about time Sweetcheeks made something happen, and she wants to encourage him to do it again. And all that makes you, Sweetcheeks, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 15; Readers/The Field: 12; Batbaby/Torii: 8; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 3.

B.O.D.

Dear Batgirl,

In light of the Twins recent offensive surge, I did up a quick Photoshop last night.

I like to call it, "I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch."

Sincerely,
Will

Dear Mr. Will,

Very appropriate. I hope you don't mind if I use it to give the Good Doctor Mrneau the Boyfriend of the Day.

Sincerely,
Batgirl

Goober/Doctor: 15; Readers/The Field: 12; Batbaby/Torii: 7; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 3.

BOD

Ten in a row! Swept the homestand! So much winning.
It's exhausting. In April, the BODSHC only had to do one of these things every six days or so. This is a hard one, and BG gives a big nod to Stewie and the Doctor, but, you know, as Goober said last week...

Sorry We Made All Your Bitches Sit Down.

Goober/Doctor: 14; Readers/The Field: 12; Batbaby/Torii: 7; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 3.

B.O.D.

"Hey," said Shannon Stewart upon coming off the DL, "What the heck happened to my position?"
"Oh, well, there's this Jason Kubel kid, and, well..."
"And my line-up slot? What the heck happened there?"
"Oh, well, you know, the line-up's working really well now and..."
"I see," said Shannon Stewart.
"No, I mean, Stewie, you've meant so much to our team, we just don't want to hurry you back and..."
"Uh-huh"
"...And, you know, we're just going to start you slow."
"I see," said Shannon Stewart. "Well, how about this. How about I go 4-4 and get the Boyfriend of the Day? Would that be slow enough for you?"

Goober/Doctor: 14; Readers/The Field: 11; Batbaby/Torii: 7; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 3.

B.O.D.

Batgirl's out of town 'til Wednesday and blogging will be light for the next few days, but thanks to the wonders of Satellite radio she was able to catch the Twins' EIGHTH WIN IN A ROW. This is awesome, because as far as I can tell, we then lose the next game, win eight more, lose one, win eight, and on and on until the end of the season. Which will have us end up precisely 11 games behind the Tigers.

But that's no matter--tonight's game was rather emblematic of this awesome streak--good pitching (thanks Bradke. Sorry about, um, everything I said before), great hitting (dingers! doubles! dingers and doubles!) and finding a BOD is a little hard, because today they are ALL boyfriends. In fact, you know what?--tonight we close a month of June that has been nothing short of spectacular, and I want each and every Minnesota Twin, from the Littlest Nicky Punto to the biggest Dennys Sampler Reyes to look in the mirror and say, "Today, for giving Batgirl that awesome month of June, I am the BOD!"

But I suppose someone has to get this thing. The player of the game was Tiffles, but one player reached a rather awesome milestone tonight, one which portends very bright things for all of our futures. Justin Morneau hit his 20th homerun tonight--the first Twin to get to 20 HRs in June since Kent Hrbek. And, frankly, every time the good Doctor does something Hrbek-like, BG gets all gooey inside, because the Doc's had the potential to be the second coming of Hrbie for some time, and as he moves from Morneau to Mrneau, that makes him the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 14; Readers/The Field: 11; Batbaby/Torii: 7; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2

B.O.D.

Torii goes BOOM.

Twins outfielder Torii Hunter.

B.O.D.

Image courtesy of Eric

Pretty much you get 5 hits in a game, you're going to get strong consideration for BOD. Which means, of course, that Batgirl's going to run away with this damned thing, because Joe Mauer is going to do this every damned day for the rest of his career. Making him the perennial Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 13; Readers/The Field: 11; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 6; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2

B.O.D.

It's about frackin' time. The Chairman was hitting below .370! Disgraceful.

Also, triples are hot.

Goober/Doctor: 13; Readers/The Field: 11; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 5; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2

B.O.D.

If you, like Batgirl, have wasted any part of your life watching The Apprentice, you find yourself all-too-familiar with the phrase, "Step up to the plate." In fact, the only business principles BG has learned from the show is a) Step up and b) Stop obsessing about the #@$!&$ Bedazzler. And now that we have run Johan Santana through the Xerox machine and we're running him out twice every turn through the rotation, we have an outside shot here, and we need the other guys to show us what they've got. And the amazing thing is, suddenly, they have. Boof, Carlos, Bradke—we wouldn't be above .500 right now if they hadn't bedazzled us, or at least stepped up. Brad wasn't perfect, and BG covered her eyes any number of times, but he always seemed to be able to coax out the ground ball, the strikeout, the pop up when he needed to. Seven shut out innings for someone who appeared to be cooked a few weeks ago to give us the sweep and confidence in our #2 guy makes you, Brad Radke, the Boyfriend of the Day. Your turn, Jackal.

Goober/Doctor: 13; Readers/The Field: 11; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2

B.O.D.

A hard one. BG just doesn't know what to do when the Doctor doesn't get this thing, it's been so long. And really any number of Twins contributed to the win, from His Boofness to the Revenge of the Red Wings trio (Tiffles and Kubel and Bart, oh my!) getting us all of our runs to Rincon and Dennys Sampler tying things up so nicely. And BG didn't know what she was going to do until the very end of the game when the Nathannator struck out Phil Nevin for his 100th career save. 100th save? He's been a closer for two and a half years? Crap. That's awesome. And that makes you, the Veep/Automatic/the Nathanest of Joes/ Twitchy McXanax, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 13; Readers/The Field: 10; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2

B.O.D.

Um, doctor?
Has anyone in your family ever taught you about sharing?
I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled with this whole homer every day thing. And the whole batting average nearing .280. And the RBI total getting close to Big Papi. But you're running away with this thing and frankly Goober's getting a little bit bigheaded about it all. Maybe tomorrow you could hit your homer after the Twins have gotten a commanding lead, huh? Wouldn't that be nice? Even nicer than teaching another teammate to dance?

Anyway, doc, I'm just suggesting that you keep up your torrid pace, yet find ways to share the Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 13; Readers/The Field: 9; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2

B.O.D.

Did anyone in Minnesota think for a second we were going to lose this? It was so cute, all the hype for Clemens when every Twins fan knew he was going to get shown how it was really done. And BG was planning to give this to the Kid, facing the minimum through--what was it--seven? I don't know, it was something. It was like he'd let people on base just to toy with them, like a BatKitty and a toy mouse, except a toy mouse can't hit into a double play.

But Enron Field bilked the Kid out of his shut out like so many California energy customers. It's a stupid, stupid park and there should probably be prosecutions. There aren't any reasonable dimensions, except maybe right center where Sid Hartman's Man Crush (Come here, kid, sit on Uncle Sid's lap.) hit a ball with about half of his strength around 385 feet, for what would become the winning run and giving the Doctor his fourth consecutive Boyfriend of the Day.

Goober/Doctor: 12; Readers/The Field: 9; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2

BOD

Sometime before the bottom of the ninth
"Hey, Veep, can I talk to you a second?"
"Sure, Doctor, what is it?"
"Well, you know how I'm Goober's boyfriend?"
"Yeah, that must be a great honor. He sure loved Dougie."
"I know."
"He's always talking about his sweet swing and what a gamer he is…"
"I know."
"Must be hard to live up to that."
"That's the thing, Veep. Goober took me as his boyfriend and I just haven't really lived up to his trust. But now I haven't had a concussion or appendicitis or leprosy in over a year and I'm due up in the 10th and unless I get another at bat I don't get to be BOD, and then my streak is blown…"
"Your hitting streak? But--"
"No, my BOD streak! Three BODs in three games would be a new record! Goober would love me then!"
"You want me to blow the save just so you can get BOD?"
"Um…yeah. Then you'll get the win in the tenth!"
"But I don't want to blow a save. I'm the Vice President. I have duties…"
"Oh, everyone will know you did it for me, silly goose. It's not like you'd blow a save by accident."
"True. We'll win anyway?"
"I promise. I'll hit a dinger. Think of Batgirl--who's she going to pick otherwise?"
"That's an excellent point. Poor Batgirl. Well, then, you, Doctor Morneau, get your third consecutive Boyfriend of the Day."

Goober/Doctor: 11; Readers/The Field: 9; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2

B.O.D: Time to Represent, Eh?

There's been some grumbling out there. And don't think I haven't heard it. Some people think that Cuddles, with his dimples and grand slams, is being discriminated against on account of his hitting so well in our losing efforts. To which I say: "Waah." Other people say, "that Mauer kid seems to be leading the league in just about everything from sideburns to aw shucks, so why does he only have four BODs?" To which I say: "Too bad so sad." And yet, the giant super-computers in the batquarters chug along, and spit our their irrefutable findings, and another B.O.D. is named. Justice? Probably not. But Justin? You bet. Thanks for the timely dinger, Doc, because that makes you the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 9; Goober/Doctor: 9; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2.

B.O.D: A Boyfriend Is a Many Splendored Thing

Dear Justin:

I don't know how to say this exactly. But my last boyfriend and I were together for a looooooong time. And he wasn't perfect. I mean, there were times all that sticky-and-glib business would get old. You know, like "Oh, Doug, do you have to be Mr. Quotable all the time -- I mean, can't we just hang out?" And like, "oh I'm so funny with my 'mentally dumber' business." And naming your kid "Steel"? " I mean, "STEEL"? What's up with that? So he was weird, okay? But we had a bond -- a first time boyfriend bond. And it's hard to get over that.

I'll be the first to say it: having you as my boyfriend has been a transition. At first I thought you'd be like Corey Koskie -- a fun Canadian. A jolly mountie or something. But where Koskie seemed to have a twinkle, I've looked in your eyes and I must say, where's the twinkle? I could use a twinkle. A twinkle would go a long way. Because while Dougie was quite a talker, you don't talk so much, and what you say doesn't sound so good.

So talking is nice. But you know what's even better than talking? Winning. And you know how you get to winning? Doing. See, the doing is all. And the more you do, the more you have to talk about. And the more you have to talk about, the more you become the Boyfriend of the Day.

Nice slam-o,Dr. J.

Goober/Doctor: 8; Readers/The Field: 7; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2.

B.O.D.

"Just hit a double, Kubes," BG said, "and I'll give you the BOD."

"A double, my ass," said Kubel. "Instead, I shall go boom."

"Excellent choice," said BG. "I applaud you."

Goober/Doctor; Readers/The Field: 7; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2.

B.O.D.

The prognosis is excellent!

The Doctor/ Goober 7; Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2.

B.O.D.

Oh, doctor? I haven't been feeling so well lately. I don't know, it's like just this feeling of low-grade despair and--

--oh! all better! You're the best doctor ever.

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2.

B.O.D.

The BODSHC wavered a good deal tonight, and in fact began to write an entry for the Chairman, who is the greatest baseball player of all time, but the by laws specifically call for the coveted award to go to that boyfriend who most contributed to the Twins victory--and Lew Ford's 2 run double (which would have been three had Little Nicky Punto not frozen like prey in a wide open prairie at 3rd) gave the Twins a healthy cushion on a day when the heavy responsibilities of the office began to wear on El Presidente, and that makes you, Lew Fordwalker, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 5; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Jeb/ Lewwww3; Sooz/Stewie 2.

B.O.D.

Doctor, Doctor
Give me the news
I've got a bad case of
loooooooooooovin' you......

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 5; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Sooz/Stewie 2; Jeb/Lewwww 2.

B.O.D.

Oh, man, you guys, you don’t know what this is like. I know what you're all going to say, and yes, totally the Kid is the player of the game, I mean, with all the no hits and stuff and how he's only given up one run as a starter, and how there's fire coming out of his arm (sometimes maybe a wee too much, but that's totally okay). And the Kid has many B.O.D.s in his future as pretty soon like Santana he'll get this thing every other start, but we've got to look at the Team Batgirl Boyfriends first, and if you look at them you'll see that one of them was 3 for 5 with two doubles and two RBIs and also hit his way into the AL batting average leader and that's pretty darned awesome, too, and that's why you, Chairman Mauer are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Batgirl/Chairman 4; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 4, Sooz/Stewie 2; Jeb/Lewwww 2.

B.O.D.

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 4; Batgirl/JoeJoe 3; Sooz/Stewie 2; Jeb/Lewwww 2.

B.O.D.

I know what you're going to say, I do. And I hear your concerns. But before we proceed, it seems some review of the BOD rules is in order, in particular two clauses. #1: This is not a player of the day, but rather a competition between Team Batgirl's boyfriends and if and only if no TBB is deserving of the award, or a non-TBB gives a truly exceptional performance (in Johan Santana's case, a "start") then the coveted award goes to someone in the field. #2: The BOD Supreme High Commandress's rule is absolute and there is no whining and/or talkbalk. But BODSHC, you say, we know the rules, but surely you're going to give this to Cuddy/Boof/Boo/Castro, and the BODSHC smiles sadly and says, no, no my friends, for they may have been the players of the game but the Boyfriend of the Day accounted for the first run of the game with a sac fly and starting our comeback with a ground rule double, plus he's on fire, plus the BatBaby is a little cranky tonight, and that's why you, Torii Hunter, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 6; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 4; Batgirl/JoeJoe 3; Sooz/Stewie 2; Jeb/Lewwww 1.

B.O.D.

A hard one tonight and BG is a little torn. Lots of nods to the Kid for giving us a reason to live again and to the Veep for being mad hot. And BG's this close to giving it to Sweetcheeks for potentially saving the game with a shoestring catch with the bases loaded. But on a night where the Twins got the stadium bill signed and the biggest applause of the night went to Kent Hrbek, the BODSHC is going to honor the hometown hero, who's been kicking butt-ocks all over the place lately, who was born after the Metrodome opened and with any luck will be hitting homers in Legovision Park in '10, who caught a great game and kept the Kid calm when things got dicey and hit a nice solo homer and managed not to be too dorky in his postgame interview, and that's why you, Chairman Mauer, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 5; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 4; Batgirl/JoeJoe 3; Sooz/Stewie 2; Jeb/Lewwww 1.

B.O.D.

Ah, well, this isn't easy, and BG was all set to give this to the Veep because, well, HELLO! But we've had a lot of trouble converting this year and sometimes you just need someone to do the right thing at the right time because, you know, when that happens you score runs and sometimes even more runs than the other team which allows you to win the game which makes Batgirl happy, like for instance hitting a perfect sac fly in the tenth to score the winning run, which had the added benefit of allowing BG to go home because she was getting ever so sleepy but was not going to leave that game one second before it ended plus who the heck was going to pitch the next inning, I ask you? That's why you, Dr. Morneau, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 5; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 4, Sooz/Stewie 2; Batgirl/Chairman 2; Jeb/Lewwww 1.

B.O.D.

Readers/The Field: 6; Batbaby/Torii: 5; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 3, Sooz/Stewie 2; Batgirl/Chairman 2; Jeb/Lewwww 1.

B.O.D.

Well, goodness me. The BODSHC doesn't like doing this, it sets a dangerous precedent and she doesn't want to hear ANY whining another game about co-BODs, because it's not right, it's the boy-friend of the day not the boy-friends of the day. This isn't Utah. But BG clearly said early in the season--you hit a grand slam you get to be BOD, and she doesn't want to go back on her word because maybe next time someone will think--I WOULD hit a grad slam now except BG went back on her word so I really don't feel like it anymore. But at the same time--did you see Liriano? Did you? Really? Did you see him drive in a run? And pitch...AWESOME? You did? Then you understand why you, Francisco "Makes Me De"-liriano and you, T-Fat, are the co-Boyfriends of the Day.

B.O.D.

Have you ever really considered how wonderful it is just to be alive? Really, life is a precious gift, a glorious, glorious gift filled with such wonders as flowers and birdies and children's laughter. But that's totally beside the point, which is how incredibly awesome tonight's game was. Sure, there was some pain—like the 4-run deficit, but what does a four run deficit bother the greatest offensive powerhouse of our time? Throw a dart and you could hit a BOD (though, actually, don't, please…) Castillo, the Chairman, Sweetcheeks for that 2-out basehit to make the game 4-3. But Batgirl's giving this one to the good Doctor who did just what he was supposed to do—turn a deficit into a lead from which the Twins would never look back. (Not to mention a stolen base.) Situational hitting, that's all the Twins do, like I've always said, and that makes you, Dr. Morneau, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 5; Batbaby/Torii: 5; Goober/ Dr. Morneau 3, Sooz/Stewie 2; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 1

B.O.D.

Ooooooh, Batgirl is giddy. Did you see Johan? Really? Wasn't it hott? Oh, and you remember all the scoring? All of it? Really? Because there was so much it's hard to remember. I mean the doctor went yard and all Cuddy does is hit doubles and Castillo is Cast-sweet-o. And of course there was the Chairman, quietly excelling. That's what the Chairman does, and that's why he doesn't have one of these things yet—he's just been steadily good all season, setting the table for others' heroics, being awesome, and tonight he caught El Presidente's gem and turned the score into a laugher with his two run dinger and late inning single, and that just makes BG so very, very happy, you can't imagine how happy it makes her, and it's about time he won one of these things, and the Old Skool catcher's hat rocks the freakin' house and milk does a BOD-y good, and that's why you, Joe Mauer, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 5; Batbaby/Torii: 5; Sooz/Stewie 2; Goober/Dr. Morneau: 2; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 1

B.O.D.

I don't know guys, this is a tough one. When 2 of your runs come from grounding into double plays and one from a guy getting beaned with the bases loaded, it's hard to really reward excellence. Really only one of our runs today came on a real live base hit—Sweetcheeks' insurance single in the seventh to score LNP. You know the thing about insurance? Sometimes you really go back and forth on whether or not to get it and then you do and something bad happens and you say, "Wow, I'm so glad I got that insurance." Like, say, when Boo loses his mind and turns a three run lead into a one run lead, and then suddenly that insurance run becomes your lifeblood, and that makes you, Torii Hunter, the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 5; Batbaby/Torii: 5; Sooz/Stewie 2; Goober/Dr. Morneau: 2; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 0

B.O.D.

I was feelin' . . . so bad,
I asked my family doctor just what I had,
I said, "Doctor, . . .
(Doctor . . .)
Mr. M.D., . . .
(Doctor . . .)
Now can you tell me, tell me, tell me,
What's ailin' me?"
(Doctor . . .)

He said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
(Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
Yes, indeed, all you really need . . .
(Good Lovin')
Is me to hit the ball many many moose antlers out of the park and get six RBIs in one game.
Yeah!"

Readers/The Field: 5; Batbaby/Torii: 4; Sooz/Stewie 2; Goober/Dr. Morneau: 2; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 0

B.O.D.

Now excuse Batgirl. She needs a shower.

Readers/The Field: 5; Batbaby/Torii: 4; Sooz/Stewie 2; Goober/Justin: 1; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 0

B.O.D.

You sort of thought we might win when Jesse Crain mowed down the Tigers (i.e. The Best Baseball Team Ever) in the eighth. There was just something in the air and let's face it, there hasn't been something in the air for a really really long time. And even though the Twins couldn't convert at the bottom of the inning Boo Berry Rincon stepped up and kept the momentum going. And then, oh! The situational hitting! The scoring, the merciless, beautiful scoring! You know what? If you make a huge bonehead bobble to give up a run and then pay penance by hitting in the tying run on a triple in the ninth and scoring the winning run right afterwards, well, you are forgiven my son. Because we beat the Tigers! We beat the Tigers! Thank God Almighty! We Beat the Tigers! And that makes you, Shannon Stewart, Boyfriend of the Day.

Li'L-Rod really likes to win.

Readers/The Field: 4; Batbaby/Torii: 4; Sooz/Stewie 2; Goober/Justin: 1; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 0

B.O.D.

Well, this could probably go to Joe Joe or Stewie or Bradley, a tough choice really, but--can you say no to this face?

BatBabies dig the long ball. And that's why you, Torii Hunter, are the Boyfriend of the Day.

Readers/The Field: 4; Batbaby/Torii: 4; Goober/Justin: 1; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Sooz/Stewie 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 0

B.O.D.

Ummm….huh. Does anyone remember how this thing works? Batgirl never thought she'd see one of these again and as a result moved the intricate and extensive BOD rules out of her mind in favor of things like her frequent flyer numbers and the crisis number hotline. She's not entirely sure, of course, but this B.O.D. seems to be some kind of strange "player of the day" with some people weighted more than others. But strangely none of those people are Johan K. Santana. Weird. Because obviously Mr. Santana is the only thing separating the Twins (not to mention Batgirl) from oblivion. Sure, his April wasn't so good, but we knew that, we're used to that. All that matters is that Johan is back now, sitting down the bitches and keeping them off the basepaths and keeping this band of Whiffy McStrikeoutPantses in the game, and that, Johan Santana, makes you the Boyfriend of the Day.

B.O.D.

Oh, hell, I don't know. Being a BODSHC isn't all glory, you know, all huzzahs and hosannahs. There's real work involved. And stress, too, you can't imagine the stress. Like today. BG was all set to give it to Johan, who is the boyfriend of every day, but his eighth inning got a little wobbly. And then there's Castillo for his 2 RBIs and a great day at the plate. And then there's the Royal defense for doing the things they do so well. This was a game where everyone did well (except maybe Little Nicky, but it's hard to be a tiny superhero every day. And so Batgirl begins at the beginning, a very good place to start, and finds at the top of the order Shannon Stewart, at 3 for 4 with a walk, one run, and no one left on base. And things have been hard, they really have, and that whole getting-on-base-four-times-in-a-game and not-leaving-anyone-on and all are behaviors BG wants to reward, plus he just had a baby, plus Sooz is getting kind of cranky with Batgirl and no one wants that, and that makes Shannon Stewart the Boyfriend of the Day.

Batbaby/Torii: 3; Readers/The Field: 3; Goober/Justin: 1; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Sooz/Stewie 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 0

B.O.D.

A little hustle is all it takes sometimes. If we can't get actual hits we can at least wish ourselves from base to base. And sometimes that's enough, sometimes all it takes is closing your eyes tight and scrunching up your face and whispering I think I can, I think I can and next thing you know you've legged out a grounder. And then there's a passed ball and you run some more and a base hit and you keep running and choo choo choo your way all the way home and that's why the BODSHC choo-choo-chooses, you, Lew Fordwalker, as the Boyfriend of the Day.

Batbaby/Torii: 3; Readers/The Field: 3; Goober/Justin: 1; Jeb/Lewwww 1, Batgirl/JoeJoe 0

B.O.D.

It’s terrible when Batgirl is gone. The Batquarters are never quite the same without her. …Well, they’re not even remotely the same. Goober, Sooz, and I sort of let the place go. …Actually, we tend to go on cake and pizza-eating binges until the money she’s left us runs out. Then, we each start hording what we can find in the cupboards until finally we wrestle over the last few cheetos and a can of midget peas.

But that’s not the problem tonight. Tonight the problem is that I’ve been left wearing the mantle of Boyfriend of the Day Supreme High Comandress. (It’s actually quite a fetching mantle…“I feel charming, oh so charming!”) And the problem with being BODSHC is that you have to, uh, pick the Boyfriend of the Day. It’s hard work.

You need to identify the player who most contributed to the Twins’ victory. If I go by that criterion, I could select Vlad Guerrero who failed to catch a looping hit to right field, allowing a run to score in the Twins’ big 4-run sixth inning.

But you’re really not supposed to give the B.O.D. to an opposing player.

Team Batgirl’s Boyfriends are supposed to be given first consideration, so I could give the B.O.D. to Lew Ford for the RBI he earned during the Twins’ sixth inning rally and, more importantly, for using his Jedi calm to call forth a game-tying walk in the ninth inning.

But can you really invest someone with the B.O.D. for getting a walk?

Maybe, but not on a night when a certain D.J. Cuddles strode to the plate, drew upon the awesome power of his stupendous dimples, and sent the ball hurtling towards a blue wall of collapsed plastic chairs for the victory. The sound of the impact reverberated throughout the Batquarters located just behind the right field wall, waking Batbaby (unless it was the cheetos tossed in the air in celebration that did it).

Batbaby/Torii: 3; Readers/The Field: 3; Goober/Justin: 1; Everybody Else: 0.

B.O.D: Does A Body Good

While it might seem glamorous living in the Batquarters in the giant Land O'Lakes milk bottle in right field, it has it's drawbacks. For one thing, we have to keep topping the thing off. Every two weeks or so, Goober pops the top, drops a rope down, climbs out, and trots over to SuperAmerica to buy 16,000 regular-sized gallons of lactose-free milk. Then it's back to the Dome, pour the milk in, close the hatch, and change the expiration date. Tough duty that. But what can you do? The Batquarters runs on milk. If it's not for Sooz's Courtney Love-style Honey Bunches of Oats habit, it's for Batgirl's giant, celebrity-sized Hammacher Schlemmer smoothie machine. As explained to Goober, for the want of some milk, the smoothie was lost; for the want of a smoothie, the Batgirl was lost; and for the want of a Batgirl, the blog was lost. So Goober's got a big responsibility.

Of course, these days, the Batquarters is not the only thing that runs on milk. Batbaby knows what she likes and she likes what she knows. And what Batbaby likes and knows is MILK. So while Goober makes sure the Batquarters has plenty of the Oreo-dunking variety, Sooz ensures that Batbaby gets the good stuff. And afterwards the little tyke is really something to behold: full, sleepy, and happy.

And isn't that how it was today? While we work-a-day minions were laboring, the Twins were just smacking the crap out of the ball. And wouldn't you know it? A lead. After the first inning. That we never gave up. Even with Kyle Lohse pitching. To be sure, there's a lot of credit to go around. Redmond had three hits and two RBIs. And Stewie had two hits and two RBIs. But the big one in this game was the one that put us over top: Torii's two-run dinger in the first. Now, I'm not claiming that it's Sweetcheeks' strong teeth and bones that did the trick. But after the first, the whole stadium looked full, sleepy, and happy. And so did work-a-day Twins fans everywhere. Now Torii's milkshake might not bring all the boys to the yard just yet. But it does make him the Boyfriend of the Day.

You go, Batbaby.

Batbaby/Torii: 3; The Field: 1; Everybody Else: 0.

B.O.D., or Fifty Ways to Leave Your Ass Bats

During the first couple innings of the home opener yesterday, Team Batgirl thought a lot about whether they have been too harsh about ass bats. After all, the "bass ats," as some jauntily call them, have been with us for a long time. So maybe Team Batgirl should stop being so whiny and, you know, focus on the positive. I mean, this could be a long-term relationship. So instead of carping, why not think about the the fact that ass bats, since they're infrequently used for hitting, can be hollowed out like ye olde pirate telescope and used to steal signs from the opposing dugout all while making totally fun pirate noises. Or the fact that, since ass bats are more, er, flacid than the typical bat, they can be tied around the neck in a pinch and used as a totally phat Oscar Wilde-style floppy necktie. But ever since T-Fat went yard yesterday, we've stopped pretending to be all Stockholm Syndromey about the ass bats. Instead, we're singing Fifty Ways to Leave Your Ass Bat: So leave it on the floor, Tor; drop it on the mat, T-Fat; give it a throw, Joe; just let the thing go. Tell it you're through, Stew; drop it in the well, Rondell; make it find a new buddy, Cuddy; just give it a throw.

Batgirl's on vacation. Therefore, Goober has been under a great deal of pressure as the Acting BODSHC. Sooz has been lobbying for a stricter interpretation of the "boyfriends first" policy, while Goober himself feels a slight tug toward giving Justin a long-overdue nod. But something strange happened during the game today. As what's left of Team Batgirl enjoyed the game from the spacious Batquarters in the Kemps milk carton in right field, Goober noticed Batbaby staring off toward center. Now she's just beginning to see more than a few feet in front of her, so it's quite remarkable when she focuses on something. But there she was, with her eyes cast in the general direction of Mr. T. Sweetcheeks Hunter, watching all goo-goo eyes as he hit a home run, had two hits, and scored three runs. And isn't that just enough to make a Batbaby's heart flutter. So call us crazy, but somebody just declared her first boyfriend. And while Goober might ordinarily be thinking of ways to beat the living crap out of Batbaby's first boyfriend, in this instance, that boyfriend is not just a boyfriend: He's the Boyfriend of the Day.

Batbaby 2; The Field 1; All Others 0.

B.O.D.

Oh, Batgirl's a sentimentalist. And under BOD rules she should be giving this to t